It's time to dust off the cobwebs on this blog and claim back the midnight thoughts I got started on a few years ago. If anyone has been reading for awhile, you'll notice that I've been on quite a journey. Every time I feel like I'm moving forward, life puts me back a few more steps. I will use this as a memory of how I built my resilience.
Where do I begin? Should start with my cathartic ugly crying episodes or should I try explain why my social media has been singular as of late? Geez, when I read my earlier post about my self-work, there's no way I would have foreseen the tsunami of events that would happen over the course of these few months and completely change me.
First of all, the global pandemic happened and a bunch of planets went into retrograde. Travel, movement, social interaction were all practically illegal. 2020 was starting to take a page out of a dystopian novel. This setback certainly put a damper on so many plans. There were only a few options to come out of this - sink, survive or thrive. Businesses built over the past decade, wiped out over a couple months would mean I'd hear about the loss of jobs, governments around the world scrambling to keep everyone afloat. Seriously, shit hit the fan.
MY WORLD CRASHES
I was really in a weird place when all of it happened. I came back from my retreat in Bali filled with love and acceptance, so I was on a high. The high dropped fast. I was coming to terms with all my work being cancelled one after another. This was really scary. Whatever I thought I'd be able to recoup from covering a big trip was now not possible.
In my personal life, I felt dependent on my partner and felt guilty for it. On one hand, I wanted him to give me a sense of security without reminding me that he was and yet I would spite him if he made an issue of it. I could start to feel things start to unravel within me and I was desperately trying to hold it together, showing my brave face, sweeping feelings under the rug and hoping no one would notice.
Unconsciously, I was hiding behind my feelings. I was hiding behind trying to sustain what I thought was supposed to be fine. I was getting lost in the everyday things so I didn't have to deal with the painful issues lurking underneath.
I came at a crossroads with my partner, with one wanting to head in one direction, and the other wanting to stay on the same course without having any additional moving parts. We both knew this misalignment would inevitably mean we would have to go separate ways. Coming to terms with this was probably the hardest because I was trying so hard to keep everything else in my life afloat, I didn't need to deal with another challenge in my life, let alone amidst a pandemic.
Being so public about my happiness was an investment people had made (albeit on social media), but by this time I was less worried about what other people thought, and more about how I felt. For the longest time I took pride in marching to the beat of my own drum, but for some reason in this relationship, I made it his drum, his call and his rules. I interpreted compromise to be an extension of his narrative, in our fights, he'd tell me repeatedly that I was unappreciative and selfish - I didn't get it, I would feel so confused. I would find myself saying thank you all the time, more often than not so he wouldn't think of me as selfish. I had never been in a relationship where I felt so low of myself, maybe this was the mirror being reflected, after all I believed every word he said. I just became totally selfless at the cost of my own happiness. (HORRIBLE DECISION)
First of all, the global pandemic happened and a bunch of planets went into retrograde. Travel, movement, social interaction were all practically illegal. 2020 was starting to take a page out of a dystopian novel. This setback certainly put a damper on so many plans. There were only a few options to come out of this - sink, survive or thrive. Businesses built over the past decade, wiped out over a couple months would mean I'd hear about the loss of jobs, governments around the world scrambling to keep everyone afloat. Seriously, shit hit the fan.
MY WORLD CRASHES
I was really in a weird place when all of it happened. I came back from my retreat in Bali filled with love and acceptance, so I was on a high. The high dropped fast. I was coming to terms with all my work being cancelled one after another. This was really scary. Whatever I thought I'd be able to recoup from covering a big trip was now not possible.
In my personal life, I felt dependent on my partner and felt guilty for it. On one hand, I wanted him to give me a sense of security without reminding me that he was and yet I would spite him if he made an issue of it. I could start to feel things start to unravel within me and I was desperately trying to hold it together, showing my brave face, sweeping feelings under the rug and hoping no one would notice.
Unconsciously, I was hiding behind my feelings. I was hiding behind trying to sustain what I thought was supposed to be fine. I was getting lost in the everyday things so I didn't have to deal with the painful issues lurking underneath.
I came at a crossroads with my partner, with one wanting to head in one direction, and the other wanting to stay on the same course without having any additional moving parts. We both knew this misalignment would inevitably mean we would have to go separate ways. Coming to terms with this was probably the hardest because I was trying so hard to keep everything else in my life afloat, I didn't need to deal with another challenge in my life, let alone amidst a pandemic.
Being so public about my happiness was an investment people had made (albeit on social media), but by this time I was less worried about what other people thought, and more about how I felt. For the longest time I took pride in marching to the beat of my own drum, but for some reason in this relationship, I made it his drum, his call and his rules. I interpreted compromise to be an extension of his narrative, in our fights, he'd tell me repeatedly that I was unappreciative and selfish - I didn't get it, I would feel so confused. I would find myself saying thank you all the time, more often than not so he wouldn't think of me as selfish. I had never been in a relationship where I felt so low of myself, maybe this was the mirror being reflected, after all I believed every word he said. I just became totally selfless at the cost of my own happiness. (HORRIBLE DECISION)
A BITTER END
We navigated uncoupling fairly positively. I didn't spite him or say anything bad, why would I? There was so much love behind our decision. Some friends were so beautifully protective over me and it made me feel safe. They shielded me from negativity, tried their best to be supportive and extended kindness during this time but I knew the only person who would be able to make this better was me, so I hid and tried to better my situation on my own, quietly. In fact, I was able to do so because I was already sitting through 20+ workshops on personal development /mindset/relationships on Supparetreat and all of them emphasising self-reflection and inner work. I was pretty much attending therapy 2-3 times a week. My mindset was in a great place and I had never felt better.
After a month of being in a place of positivity, love and growth, I was tested again with my insecurities peeking through. Suddenly, a surge of all the bad memories in the duration our relationship came to surface. The more I thought about them, the more I started to feel shortchanged, and the more I started to resent him -BIG TIME, I thought about all the times I didn't feel safe and the times I felt like he wasn't in my corner. My perception of his loyalty disintegrated as my thoughts started to swell with anger. These tiny cracks were becoming more apparent and our time apart saw more betrayal. I couldn't get past this wall and I exploded my thoughts on him. My pain was overflowing and I was making him responsible for it, it was unfair. My pain was met with his anger. (He wanted to preserve our good memories, why could I only offer bad ones?)
Ummm... so it obviously wasn't well received.
It just got worse and worse. Not only was I dealing with resentment, I also felt so helpless. It was as though someone smashed an uncontrollable bursting pipe and the spray just got on every single damn thing, ruining everything.
Needless to say, after a couple of days of processing our conversation, I apologized to him for emotionally dumping and then separately spiralled deeper into my self-loathing and guilt. I hid and got into a really dark place. Even more insecurities started to rear its ugly head, more shame and more guilt came about. I got caught in my own narrative and the stories I believe to be true. I knew putting the blame on someone wasn't going to change my situation. So I made a conscious decision that I needed to take more accountability of all the things I did while I was in the relationship and I took time to ask myself why I felt compelled to do them. Digging that deep while feeling incredibly alone was tough work.
We navigated uncoupling fairly positively. I didn't spite him or say anything bad, why would I? There was so much love behind our decision. Some friends were so beautifully protective over me and it made me feel safe. They shielded me from negativity, tried their best to be supportive and extended kindness during this time but I knew the only person who would be able to make this better was me, so I hid and tried to better my situation on my own, quietly. In fact, I was able to do so because I was already sitting through 20+ workshops on personal development /mindset/relationships on Supparetreat and all of them emphasising self-reflection and inner work. I was pretty much attending therapy 2-3 times a week. My mindset was in a great place and I had never felt better.
After a month of being in a place of positivity, love and growth, I was tested again with my insecurities peeking through. Suddenly, a surge of all the bad memories in the duration our relationship came to surface. The more I thought about them, the more I started to feel shortchanged, and the more I started to resent him -BIG TIME, I thought about all the times I didn't feel safe and the times I felt like he wasn't in my corner. My perception of his loyalty disintegrated as my thoughts started to swell with anger. These tiny cracks were becoming more apparent and our time apart saw more betrayal. I couldn't get past this wall and I exploded my thoughts on him. My pain was overflowing and I was making him responsible for it, it was unfair. My pain was met with his anger. (He wanted to preserve our good memories, why could I only offer bad ones?)
Ummm... so it obviously wasn't well received.
It just got worse and worse. Not only was I dealing with resentment, I also felt so helpless. It was as though someone smashed an uncontrollable bursting pipe and the spray just got on every single damn thing, ruining everything.
Needless to say, after a couple of days of processing our conversation, I apologized to him for emotionally dumping and then separately spiralled deeper into my self-loathing and guilt. I hid and got into a really dark place. Even more insecurities started to rear its ugly head, more shame and more guilt came about. I got caught in my own narrative and the stories I believe to be true. I knew putting the blame on someone wasn't going to change my situation. So I made a conscious decision that I needed to take more accountability of all the things I did while I was in the relationship and I took time to ask myself why I felt compelled to do them. Digging that deep while feeling incredibly alone was tough work.
IT GETS WORSE
Separately, my business partner E and I had been bickering about little things. What would seem as harmless stuff escalated into sharp and offensive attacks, both of us notice we were charged with so much emotion after every interaction/altercation with each other. There was resentment starting to build and it became a toxic, calculative environment where we both started to keep score of our good deeds. (If any of you know us, we're the antithesis of that) Our issues were permeating past our personal relationships and in our respective companies, this wasn't good. After many failed attempts at trying to sort it amongst ourselves, we sought out mediation to get to the bottom of it.
Hannah, one of my talents and a relationship coach, agreed to sit with us to hash out our issues. She underlined one of my wounds regarding safety and the need for control in an unstable environment. I had a tendency of building walls to protect myself. Uncovering this gave me a hint of the common thread running through my relationships, especially those which were falling apart. Thankfully, my business partner and I hugged it out and were committed to connect again with more clarity and less assumptions. I felt seen and heard.
Later that night, I tried an inner child guided meditation. A memory of little 6-year old Sarah witnesses a family argument unfold. She feels helpless and she's trying so desperately to make everyone okay, she sees how upset they are and it feels painful to watch. She thinks if everyone is happy, then she'll be happy. The memory feels heavy and adult Sarah just wants to withdraw. 10 minutes in, the voice in this meditation tells the adult Sarah to do the complete opposite: comfort my inner child, I do just that, I empathise with her and I tell her that its ok to be scared and that I would be there for her. As I'm reparenting my inner child, I'm a complete wreck, crying out and releasing all this emotion that has been held for so long. I cry myself to sleep and feel a deep pain slowly vanish.
Separately, my business partner E and I had been bickering about little things. What would seem as harmless stuff escalated into sharp and offensive attacks, both of us notice we were charged with so much emotion after every interaction/altercation with each other. There was resentment starting to build and it became a toxic, calculative environment where we both started to keep score of our good deeds. (If any of you know us, we're the antithesis of that) Our issues were permeating past our personal relationships and in our respective companies, this wasn't good. After many failed attempts at trying to sort it amongst ourselves, we sought out mediation to get to the bottom of it.
Hannah, one of my talents and a relationship coach, agreed to sit with us to hash out our issues. She underlined one of my wounds regarding safety and the need for control in an unstable environment. I had a tendency of building walls to protect myself. Uncovering this gave me a hint of the common thread running through my relationships, especially those which were falling apart. Thankfully, my business partner and I hugged it out and were committed to connect again with more clarity and less assumptions. I felt seen and heard.
Later that night, I tried an inner child guided meditation. A memory of little 6-year old Sarah witnesses a family argument unfold. She feels helpless and she's trying so desperately to make everyone okay, she sees how upset they are and it feels painful to watch. She thinks if everyone is happy, then she'll be happy. The memory feels heavy and adult Sarah just wants to withdraw. 10 minutes in, the voice in this meditation tells the adult Sarah to do the complete opposite: comfort my inner child, I do just that, I empathise with her and I tell her that its ok to be scared and that I would be there for her. As I'm reparenting my inner child, I'm a complete wreck, crying out and releasing all this emotion that has been held for so long. I cry myself to sleep and feel a deep pain slowly vanish.
IT GETS BETTER
All this Enneagram-Type 8 stuff makes even more sense now. I've been afraid of having big feelings because I was always afraid of the consequences. With all the changes and moving I did when I was younger from country to country, city to city, I dared not burden anyone with my feelings. Poor immigrant parents have so much to deal with and a silent pressure exists within you as you feel responsible to ease the burdens of your family. I started working once I turned 16, I aimed for good grades, anything that would help. Feelings don't contribute or help with paying the bills, it was inconsequential. When confronting situations, it was easier to use my logical and rationale to take over. Hiding myself and hiding my feelings became synonymous with my pain. I was used to ploughing through circumstances and difficulties, weathering the storm and problem solving through logic and decisive decision making, you don't need feelings for that.
My worth was so dependent on others around me and the trajectory of my career became even more apparent. I craved approval and adoration from others to have any semblance of feeling whole - celebrity life. I sought out relationships to feel loved even though I wasn't truly committed to loving myself, so these relationships would always fall short and it would never be enough for me. These were big findings and a key to the patterns in my relationships.
I've been needing to sit with this a little longer, because all this hiding has costed me time and relationships. Hiding underneath my fear and pain created a wedge between me and everyone else. In my unhealthy levels, I have a tendency to withdraw, keep to myself and go quiet. My senses quickly weed out those who are loyal and those who aren't. I do these things as a result of being protective over my safety.
Honestly, It sucks to feel like I'm starting over again. I wish I could take back the last 5 years and re-do my life with what I know now. But that's what journeys are all about, you can't take a step forward without living through its own story. Through these learnings, exercises, workshops, sessions and fucking adult shit, I have a lot more compassion for my parents and a lot more compassion for myself. I am determined to take steps to come out of hiding and make space for love so my wound doesn't pick my next chapter.
Thanks for reading til the very end.
**Update: I didn't really want to explain myself further since I've put my heart on the internet for all to bear witness, but in case you're here to KEPO about my breakup, I was in a very loving relationship, he loved me the way he knew how. My experience happened despite all the good times we had together. This entry explains how I was unable to love fully because of the lack of love I felt for myself. My experience is in no way an attempt to implicate him or dismantle our relationship. I have so much love for him to this day and will still love him for the rest of my life.
All this Enneagram-Type 8 stuff makes even more sense now. I've been afraid of having big feelings because I was always afraid of the consequences. With all the changes and moving I did when I was younger from country to country, city to city, I dared not burden anyone with my feelings. Poor immigrant parents have so much to deal with and a silent pressure exists within you as you feel responsible to ease the burdens of your family. I started working once I turned 16, I aimed for good grades, anything that would help. Feelings don't contribute or help with paying the bills, it was inconsequential. When confronting situations, it was easier to use my logical and rationale to take over. Hiding myself and hiding my feelings became synonymous with my pain. I was used to ploughing through circumstances and difficulties, weathering the storm and problem solving through logic and decisive decision making, you don't need feelings for that.
My worth was so dependent on others around me and the trajectory of my career became even more apparent. I craved approval and adoration from others to have any semblance of feeling whole - celebrity life. I sought out relationships to feel loved even though I wasn't truly committed to loving myself, so these relationships would always fall short and it would never be enough for me. These were big findings and a key to the patterns in my relationships.
I've been needing to sit with this a little longer, because all this hiding has costed me time and relationships. Hiding underneath my fear and pain created a wedge between me and everyone else. In my unhealthy levels, I have a tendency to withdraw, keep to myself and go quiet. My senses quickly weed out those who are loyal and those who aren't. I do these things as a result of being protective over my safety.
Honestly, It sucks to feel like I'm starting over again. I wish I could take back the last 5 years and re-do my life with what I know now. But that's what journeys are all about, you can't take a step forward without living through its own story. Through these learnings, exercises, workshops, sessions and fucking adult shit, I have a lot more compassion for my parents and a lot more compassion for myself. I am determined to take steps to come out of hiding and make space for love so my wound doesn't pick my next chapter.
Thanks for reading til the very end.
**Update: I didn't really want to explain myself further since I've put my heart on the internet for all to bear witness, but in case you're here to KEPO about my breakup, I was in a very loving relationship, he loved me the way he knew how. My experience happened despite all the good times we had together. This entry explains how I was unable to love fully because of the lack of love I felt for myself. My experience is in no way an attempt to implicate him or dismantle our relationship. I have so much love for him to this day and will still love him for the rest of my life.