It's been a minute and it feels like so much has happened but nothing has changed. It also feels nice to hear the keyboard sound as I type and try to synthesise my thoughts. 

I'm much more aware of my surroundings now, listening to the rumblings of my AC, the buzz of the jungle in the night and the lingering scent of my geranium essential oils diffused from earlier this evening. 

I've had an intense May/June. I turned 40 and I wanted to hide in a hole, but didn't. Instead I celebrated with completely random strangers signing up for a retreat in Bali. It was necessary, it was needed. There were so many highs! I met new friends and spent time with different people, I moved out of my comfort zone and just took a leap of faith and went with the flow. It was like an act of surrender that God would take me to the adventures I needed to experience. 

But now its July and for some reason, at this time of the year, my energy feels a lot more sombre. My emotions have been whack. My thoughts are wild. Sometimes I'm on the verge of tears, consciously pulling myself out of a dark place. Life feels difficult but it's not. I have to remind myself that I have tools and so I use them - breathwork, journaling, meditation... and consistent running routine. When I experience my highs externally, I feel such a drop of dopamine that it leaves a vacuum and then my tank feels so empty. The practice of going inward helps me to regulate again and cultivate my energy from within, instead of seeking it externally.

I guess I'm just reminding myself here that not everything in life is chirpy or has to be chirpy. I was talking to T about how sometimes I feel like i'm at a crossroads and not knowing if I'm asking for too little or asking for too much. This aging thing is not helping and when i get into conversations with people that try to negotiate what I want, I find myself getting really triggered. It's taken a few years to fully understand where I always felt like I had to justify what I want and explain myself. 

I see-saw between wanting to receive love and inevitably rejecting love. I keep asking myself why I meet people that are not in my alignment and it's frustrating, (The inner voice prefers the term, pathetic.) I'm so easily annoyed and triggered but I don't blame anyone for them, it's clearly a me-thing. People are being nice and I get easily pissed off. I notice when I am about to project my opinions on others (and that's never healthy) so I pull back and go back inwards.