If you haven’t followed me on Instagram, a lot has happened.
I realised I hadn’t written anything down here in a while and now that I’m at an airport lounge ready to board my next flight out of Kuala Lumpur, I thought it would be the perfect time to do so.
In short: I got engaged in January, registered my marriage in June and had my wedding in July. I fell in love with a friend I had known for over 15 years and never felt a romantic connection until October last year. If you do the math, it was an express train from singledom to marriage in lightning speed.
Last year, as I turned 40, I found myself feeling stuck and disheartened. I wasn’t where I thought I’d be, despite believing I had done everything I could to get there. It was hard to understand why I was still in that place. I took a dark turn in July and it took effort to be in a good place every day. I wont’ get into details.
Fast forward to today, and I’m filled with gratitude for the space I’ve arrived at. After navigating all the ups and downs, I’ve gained clarity and growth. In this article, I’ll share a few key insights that have made a profound impact on my mind and heart.
Vipassana – I initially signed up to this 10-day silent retreat held in rural Pahang at a Buddhist Temple to challenge myself mentally. I wanted to know if I would be able to seek clarity or finally get answers to my uncertainty. It didn’t give me any of that per se, instead it forced me to follow a strict regimen of meditation for 10 hours, sitting in stillness and learning to strengthen observation. I sat through the pain, the suffering and sat long enough to realise everything in my head was simply just a fleeting thought. It allowed me to accept things as they are without the need to add suffering to my experience. I had heard about this concept before but to experience it was a different story. As my thoughts started to float I realised that certain people in my life were of my ego’s choosing and not my soul choosing. An image of my friend (now husband) floated in my head and I think I ended up manifesting this relationship altogether. (oops)
Inner Work – As a continuation of the ego/soul choices I mentioned above, this also meant that whenever my wound made decisions, I was more attached/bound to my decisions. It made me feel stuck, I would some how back myself into a corner and then ask myself how I got there. I dated a few men from my last serious relationship to this one. I was anxiously trying to find myself through relationships and failing at all of them each time. When I started to shift my view of failure and started to look for my growth, it was a much healthier place to be in. I started to speak my truth even if it meant that the outcome was not in my favour. I started to practice non-attachment and was clear about alignment, this meant that I didn’t have to villian-ize every guy that didn’t want the same things I wanted. If I hadn’t learnt from this I don’t think I would have considered my husband as an option, my past self would have kept looking
Finally when my husband and I had the talk as friends, before we decided to get to know each other romantically, it took so much courage for me to tell him how I felt and what I wanted in my life. My exact words were: “…if you feel like this is not something you’re up for, then we can just remain friends.”
Character – I recently did an interview with a publication about my philosophy on life and I referenced Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements. One of the agreements is “Be impeccable with your word.” It essentially means, mean what you say and say what you mean. Integrity is rated quite high on my values and being friends with my husband meant that he got to learn a lot about my character, professionally (how we met) as well as socially among mutual friends. I too realised that there was a reason why I enjoyed spending time with him and picking his brain when I had random ideas. We were gifted with a beautiful foundation in friendship that has been such a beautiful anchor in our relationship despite the short courtship. Our values in family, friendship and partnership align and our growth mindset has allowed us to stay curious in any friction that arises, for that I am grateful. Being able to show up and not hide parts of myself has given me a different level of confidence.
My dream was to do life with someone who would understand my purpose and my gifts. My reality is meeting my partner and not having to change anything about myself. Every celebration was a pinch-me moment. Sometimes I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop but everyday in this place feels like bliss. I knew my grandma was looking out for me and I know she handpicked him. Sometimes, the stars are waiting for the right time to align.
I know its annoying to hear someone tell you to be patient, because I know I’d get triggered by people who would say that to me — so i’m not going to say that to you. If you can’t sit still and wait for your time to come, then work on yourself. Pour love back into yourself and learn how to heal your wounds. Read books and add new ideas into your head, don’t keep recycling the old thoughts and let your inner critic get the best of you. Choose differently, if the Universe is throwing something at you that looks oddly familiar, try something else and see what happens.
As you continue to do the work, you’re going to be the most interesting person your friends will know because you’ll be learning so much about yourself and sharing your light with others. That shit is infectious and you’ll have a lot of heads start turning your way (even some from your past).
Choose wisely and choose from your heart, and the adventure will take you to the best places, especially the ones where dreams turn into reality.
Comment